What to Write to Someone Who Died Before You Said It

When someone dies, the conversation does not end. It stops. There is a difference, and the difference is why people talk to graves.

You do not need to believe anyone is listening. The letter is not a delivery, it is a completion.

Write the interrupted sentence

Think of the last real conversation. What were you about to say when the subject changed, when someone walked in, when you said “I'll call you tomorrow”? Write that next sentence. Then keep going. You will find there is a lot behind it.

Include the boring things

People write to the dead about the big things — the wedding, the birth, the anniversary — and those letters are often stiff. The ones that land are about the small: the shop that closed, the new bus route, the fact that you finally threw out the coat.

The guava tree came back this year. You would have said it was nothing. It is not nothing to me.

Say the apology if there is one

Most people have one. The missed visit, the argument they never resolved, the thing they said in the car. You cannot get the answer, but you can get the sentence out, and the sentence is what has been keeping you awake.

What to do with the letter

Keep it in a drawer. Publish it anonymously so someone else who lost a parent recognises the feeling. Or read it aloud once and put it away. All three are legitimate. The only thing that does not help is continuing to rehearse it silently.

If reading other people's letters would help first, start at loss or unsent letters.